BROTHER BILLY

  Sometimes, when we elect a President we get an unexpected bonus. That happened with Jimmy Carter. Jimmy was a quiet, laid-back gent who, most of the time, would've slid right through his Oval Office tour with barely a ripple. And would have--if it hadn't been for this brother, Billy. Billy, you see, was a whole different sack of peanuts.

  We got to enjoy Billy a lot in Collier County. He made friends and business connections with locals and spent a lotta time in Paradise promoting stuff or just going to parties with his new friends. And, the boy could party.

  One of the Sheriff's Office's first encounters with the lovable rascal was greeting him at the Naples Airport. We were to escort him to some local shindig. A respectable number of news media reps were in attendance. Soon as Billy exited the aircraft, he ran straight to plane's tire and peed all over it. Seems the small shuttle plane had no bathroom and Billy was generally full of liquids that made you want to go. In a hurry.

  The tarmac wetting gained national attention and Billy, once again,  out-newsed his brother.

  We were at an auction with him once where he'd been hired to draw a crowd. He'd done a good job, there was a mob to see him. He was holding a can of beer and sipping from it with regularity and real gusto. I noticed the top had been completely opened like you open a can of beans, making it a drinking glass. "Can't get it out fast enough through that regular hole?" I asked.

  "Nah," he said, "I opened it up to pour the beer out."

  "Pour it out? Thought you loved beer."

 "Do. Good beer. But I have this contract with a brewery to pimp this Billy Beer--he showed me the label on the can. Every time I drink in public I'm supposed to drink Billy Beer. But I can't stand the piss so I replace it with whiskey."

  Pragmatics, you gotta love 'em.
Thanks Chester Keene for photo.