ASK WARILY

  TV commercials are dominated by folks wanting you to sue someone. Or file bogus claims. Or call someone to help you sue someone or file one. No wonder insurance is cost prohibitive and Social Security is going broke.

 Now, I have no experience with any of the "Ask" someone deals. Far as I know they could be run by benevolent souls just wanting to help humanity. No ulterior motives. Not wanting a piece of the action. But, I do have experience with one that is no longer around. This is how it worked. 

 Wally Weasel got in an automobile accident caused by dozing off. He was driving a sports car and weaving down the road. An oncoming driver tooted his horn at the wobbling Wally,  causing him--because he was awakened from a sound sleep--to lose control of his Triumph TR3. He drove across a lawn and crashed into the house that belonged where Wally didn't.

  In a few days, an ambulance chasing firm gave Wally a call. He told Wally he could help him make a few bucks. Wally explained that the accident was his fault, and he was not injured. The only person who suffered was the home owner, who was knocked out of bed when Wally crashed into his bedroom.

  Mr Slim, from the "helper" firm told Wally that fault was just a word, a matter of perception that could be "adjusted." He was so persistent he signed Wally up for the program. 

 The program involved Wally going to Slim's picked doctor who told Wally where he hurt, when to say "Ow" when he was poked in the right spot. He also gave Wally a series of pain shots that were really just vitamin shots and a nice donut to wear when he went outside.

  Then, a lawyer, explained to Wally that he'd been so shaken from the accident that he didn't remember what actually happened. The lawyer told him what did, an absolute lie, involving being forced off the road.

 After a few months, Slim's doctor and lawyer received a nice check from an insurance company, Wally's wallet fattened, too, and Mr Slim's company took a percentage.

  So, I'm not saying today's "Ask" companies operate in the same fashion, but I'd be particular who I called. Or, you might become a slimy weasel yourself.

WHATEVER WORKS

   At a Detective's school at the University of Georgia, I met a personable cop from Atlanta named Jake. Jake was of the Jewish persuasion. Kinda. He said his family were all serious about the faith but he was a slacker. Said he wasn't even welcome at synagog. 

 Over some excellent Jack Daniels black one night, we were discussing religion, usually a bad practice--especially when drinking liquid stupid. I'd noticed that he had a pendant hanging around his neck that depicted a Star of David. I asked him why, if he wasn't that serious about his religion.

  "Not taking any chances I might be wrong," Jake said. Then he flipped over the medal and on the other side was a Christian Cross. He smiled again. "Like I said, I'm not taking any chances."

  I laughed. 

 "And," he continued with a smile, "it seems to work. So far I haven't been bitten by even one vampire."

 I recalled that he favored bacon with his breakfast. "No problem," he said. "A priest can pass his hand over tap water and make it holy water. I pass mine over bacon and it becomes a nice Gefilte fish."

 I learned early on to be forgiving of religions folks who'd "backslid", as they say back home. One of my favorite uncles was a self-ordained minister. Trouble was, every few years he'd gather up a pretty member of the choir, grab the building fund, and abscond to Mexico. He'd stay there until the fund was exhausted, then come home.

  Incredibly, the church always took him back. He had a stock redemption speech he made to them that worked every time. "The Devil is alway working," he'd say. "And if he can corrupt a man of God like myself, what chance do you have without me?"

 Whatever works.

TERRIFIED

   Naples Daily News columnist Brent Batten has ruined my day. In today's entry, he lists the Colorado State University annual hurricane prediction. It opines that the chances of a hurricane hitting Collier County are there, but small. That's what has me terrified. Their record of accuracy is a joke, usually inversely proportional to actual events. They say less, it's more.  Even with their mid-season tuneups, their accuracy trails former National Enquirer physic Jean Dixon.

  Once the News--I believe--published a hurricane likelihood survey taken from folks on the street and compared it, at season's end, to the Colorado expert's guesses. The street folks guesses were more accurate.

  Years ago at a hurricane preparedness seminar given by the National Hurricane Center the former director, Dr. Neil Frank, told us, "Anyone who tries to predict the weather more than 24 hours in advance is either a fool or a charlatan."

  So, "slight chance" of a hurricane in Collier? It's down to Home Depot for plywood for this ol' hoss.

LONG TIME NO SEE

   Sorry to be so negligent on the blog entries but I'm putting my book together and it takes all my spare time. Hope to be finished, soon. gdy