One of the things about being a Cop that always appealed to me was the uncertainty. Other jobs, when you go to work you have a pretty good idea of what the day has in store. Not so in the Cop business. Your duties can involve anything from guarding the President of the United States to being careful not to get in the middle--and killed--in a domestic disturbance call. Or, you might slap yourself in the face and drink a gallon of coffee to keep awake during a long, uneventful, night. And these nights are the worst.
All Cops find ways to deal with the boredom. Dark humor is usually a cornerstone to these survival techniques. If you can get a laugh out of it, how bad can it be?
Since drunks get on my nerves in a hurry, I had to invent ways to inject a little humor into the encounters. One was an instant field sobriety test, that although unconventional, was indicative of the liquid stupid level in the customer. No walking the line, saying the alphabet backwards, or touching the fingertip to the nose. Just repeat this simple phrase:
"I'm not a fig plucker, or a fig plucker's son. But I'll pluck figs 'til the fig plucker's come."
A drunk will become an instant animal molester. And you'll be chuckling 'til your watch ends.
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