IS THAT THE WHISKEY TALKIN'?

Once we did a study to find out what caused folks to call the police. Over 80% of the time there was booze or drugs involved. Mostly, alcohol. Here are some examples of just what liquid stupid, in excess, can do for you.

A frequent flyer was pulled over for driving on both sides of the road. We all knew him. He was hump-backed from getting in and out of police cars. The kind of numb-nuts who'd fail the oral DUI test: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

At the driver's window, I asked for his DL. He looked at me, rolled his eyes, and said indignantly, "You got a helluva nerve. You took it away from me the last time you arrested me."

The man had a point.

Wasted Wally was particular about what he drank. It had to have alcohol in it. Paint thinner, mouthwash, wood alcohol, any number of cleaners and disinfectants. You name it. He was so addicted his wife made him use Brylcreem cause it was the only hair tonic he couldn't drink.

Wasted Wally forgot that you can't have this much fun and not rot your brain. The booze was getting to him. He spent more time in jail than the cockroaches and every time he was locked up he was more frail and feeble. Then, when he'd start to dry out, he'd get the DT's. With his pickled brain and delusions, there was no predicting what he was likely to do.

Once Assistant Chief Dave Dampier was making the rounds in the jail and noticed that Wasted Wally had ripped up his mattress and was stuffing the cotton up his nose. Prodigious amounts of cotton. Some prisoners do rip up their mattress. None pack their snout with it. This peeked Dave's interest.

"What're you doin' Wally?," he asked.

Never missing a beat, Wally snorted a nasal, "Eatin' tater salad." And, in his poor demented mind it must've been tasty as he went right back to it in ernest.

Then there was Little Alph. Alph was a politician's son who we'd watch grow up. Though intelligent when sober, drunk he had the brains of a hemorrhoid. He'd go on binges and violate his probation. Or drive on a suspended license. Or collect a nice DWI.

During one stay in the jail, he was selected to be the benefactor of a new scheme being tried to cut down the jail population. This is an ongoing activity as the jails usually fill faster than you can build them.

The judge explained the deal to Alph. "You have thirty days left on your sentence and your conduct has been commendable. I'll let you out of jail today if you agree to reimburse the County $75 a day for each day you were incarcerated. That's what it costs to feed and house you."

Alph stared at the judge as though he'd morphed into an articulate jackass, then said, "Seventy-five dollar a day? That's robbery. Hell, Judge, $75 a day I could lay up in the Holiday Inn with a case a beer and a whore."

The courtroom exploded with laughter. Except for the judge. He decided that, on second thought, Alph probably should make that next 30 days. Plus an extra 10 for his keen observations.