Maxine Gluteus was a big shoplifter. In every way. She made big hauls. She carried out big items--so large they appeared impossible to hide. And, she was a big woman. At five-ten, Maxine weighted in at an enormous 400+ lbs.
Maxine's methods were unique. She covered her mountainous brown bod with a Hawaiian muu'muu, that hid everything but her feet. In that flowery tent she looked like Mt. Kilauea decorated for a luau.
She'd modified the dress by sewing fishing weights in the front hem. She could jerk up the front, hide her loot, and drop it in an instant. Under her dress she wore a giant pocket made from a butcher's apron. The pocket had a wire-reinforced top to keep it partly open. And, for large items, the choice spot. In between those garbage can thighs. That's why she moved with a slow shuffle, her feet just scuffing the ground.
Maxine was rarely caught. We had her in jail only because a store clerk, on her way to work at the Kwik-Chek, saw her surreptitiously unloading her haul into her car. The clerk first though she was watching a magic act. One of those where the magician keeps making stuff appear from their bare hands. Except Maxine's act was far more impressive. From under that robe-thing, she was hauling out six-packs of beer, canned goods, bread, and, from between her legs, a twenty-two pound turkey. (Why not? She'd been doing her Thanksgiving shopping)
Once in jail she was a model prisoner, her only problem not getting enough to eat. But, she did pose a different problem one night when a guard, walking by her cell, heard a baby crying. Looking closer, there it was, balanced on Maxine's belly, wet, gooey and still attached to its mama.
"What the . . .?" the incredulous guard said.
"Don't as' me," Maxine said, as befuddled as the guard. "It jus' come."
Fact of the matter was, Maxine was so fat and so ignorant she didn't know she'd been pregnant. And, when she started getting cramps she thought it was because of those belly robbers in the jail kitchen starving her.
Much later, a hearing was held to try to figure out what to do with her. By that time the jail diet had slimmed her down to a svelte 300 lbs. When asked by the judge who the father was, Maxine broke up the court by saying, "I don't be knowin'. yo' honor." Then giggling and saying, "They wuz always three or fo' of 'em at me."
Maxine's methods were unique. She covered her mountainous brown bod with a Hawaiian muu'muu, that hid everything but her feet. In that flowery tent she looked like Mt. Kilauea decorated for a luau.
She'd modified the dress by sewing fishing weights in the front hem. She could jerk up the front, hide her loot, and drop it in an instant. Under her dress she wore a giant pocket made from a butcher's apron. The pocket had a wire-reinforced top to keep it partly open. And, for large items, the choice spot. In between those garbage can thighs. That's why she moved with a slow shuffle, her feet just scuffing the ground.
Maxine was rarely caught. We had her in jail only because a store clerk, on her way to work at the Kwik-Chek, saw her surreptitiously unloading her haul into her car. The clerk first though she was watching a magic act. One of those where the magician keeps making stuff appear from their bare hands. Except Maxine's act was far more impressive. From under that robe-thing, she was hauling out six-packs of beer, canned goods, bread, and, from between her legs, a twenty-two pound turkey. (Why not? She'd been doing her Thanksgiving shopping)
Hell, that was nothing. Once, in a jewelry store, she absorbed five Rolex watches, ten jeweled bracelets, sixteen rings, and a box of silver service for eight. In clothing stores she could steal enough threads to clothe Diana Ross and the Supremes--and their band. Probably a VW dealer wouldn't have been safe.
Once in jail she was a model prisoner, her only problem not getting enough to eat. But, she did pose a different problem one night when a guard, walking by her cell, heard a baby crying. Looking closer, there it was, balanced on Maxine's belly, wet, gooey and still attached to its mama.
"What the . . .?" the incredulous guard said.
"Don't as' me," Maxine said, as befuddled as the guard. "It jus' come."
Fact of the matter was, Maxine was so fat and so ignorant she didn't know she'd been pregnant. And, when she started getting cramps she thought it was because of those belly robbers in the jail kitchen starving her.
Much later, a hearing was held to try to figure out what to do with her. By that time the jail diet had slimmed her down to a svelte 300 lbs. When asked by the judge who the father was, Maxine broke up the court by saying, "I don't be knowin'. yo' honor." Then giggling and saying, "They wuz always three or fo' of 'em at me."
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