THE OTHER GREAT CANOE RACE

Over the years, Naples Great Dock Canoe Race has become a major event. On occasion, reminiscent of Key West's gaudy and raunchy events. This year was the 33 Aniversery, the first held in 1977. Another Great Canoe Race, maybe best forgotten, happened about the same time.

Merchants were promoting a "Day" at the Central Mall, then located on the Northeast corner of Goodlette Road and US 41. The site now is home for a beautiful condo complex. As an added bizarre attraction, they asked Sheriff Rogers and I to compete in a canoe race. We were to cruise across Gordon River from behind the old Pancake House to the Central Mall landing.

I don't know how Aubrey felt, but I would've rather bedded a porcupine. When I saw the actual canoe, my apprehension increased. First off, I'm of the Richard Pryor school of seamanship. One of his friend once tried to coax him out on his boat. "Boats sink." Pryor said.

"I'm not talking about a rowboat here," the friend said. "My boat's a yacht, big enough to sail around the world. It won't sink."

"Is is bigger than the Titanic?" Pryor said.

The canoe looked to me like a piece of watermelon rind fixin' to flip over and get me wet. And, propulsion for this craft was a paddle, resembling a badminton racket.

We were allowed to have one crew member and I knew mine was going to have to be a paddlin' machine. "Get Dan Crisp," one of the cops suggested. "Dan can paddle a canoe like Hiawatha."

It was a good suggestion. Dan was a big, raw boned athletic cop, who had mastered most sports. I asked him and he, with enthusiasm, agreed.

Race day, I asked Dan what our strategy was to be. "I'd rather do all the paddlin'," he said. "You'd probably just slow me down. So just pretend to paddle, and don't actually put it in the water."

When the gun sounded and we were off, Dan churned like duck on Amphetamines and I pantomimed paddling. About halfway across the river we were 100 yards ahead of Aubrey. I showed Dan and he cooled it so we didn't embarrass the Sheriff. Too much.

At the landing, people were amazed at my athletic prowess. Of course, I had to admit what really happened. And I did admit it. Just now, for the first time.

Thanks George Stansbury and Mike Grimm.