Big Earl was a reluctant Romeo. A devout family man. But being tall and handsome, with a magnetic personality he attracted women like teenyboppers chase a rock star. Or so it was rumored. Earl'd admit nothing and laughed off any allegations. And maybe he was telling the truth. But, the male of the species has a certain weakness. . .
My desk was right outside the Lt's then and Earl walked by me on the way to his lynching. He gave me a shrug and a tight smile. Fifteen minutes later, he emerged from the office, gave me a thumbs up and a sly smile.
He was followed by Lt. Numnutz, who sat down at the chair beside my desk and shook his head, obviously distraught. "I feel like an A-hole," he said. I fought an urge to tell him I could see how that could happen, kept quiet, and listened.
"I call poor ol' Earl in there and start gettin' on him about the woman chasing thing, and he breaks down, almost in tears, and tell's me it has to be a lie because he's hot even capable of anything like that. His equipment was blown off by a hand grenade in the Korean War. I just feel so bad, embarassing the poor damn guy."
I almost strangled choking back laughter, excused myself and went into the restroom to let it out. Had it been anyone but Numnutz, they might have questioned a few inconsistencies. Aside from the fact that Earl was in the Navy, where they throw few hand grenades, his service was after Korea. Then there were his three children, of which one son could've been Earl's younger twin. And you might wonder how in hell he passed the police physical with no landing gear?
When questioned later, Earl said, "He must've heard me wrong, I'd never claim that. Only a fool would believe it." Then that smile.
He had one more in him. Another high ranking officer, Woody Proboscis, heard that Earl was a Cooter Cop. He called him in for a dressing down, or worse. This was ironic because Proboscis was a notorious midnight creeper, hammering his secretary with great regularity. I overheard this conversation so can vouch for it.
"The word's out you spend a lotta duty time chasing women," Proboscis said.
"Who would say that?" Earl asked, seemingly devastated by the accusation.
"Well, rumor," Proboscis admitted.
"Rumor? Oh, hell, then I won't worry. You hear all kinds of rumors. Why I even hear a rumor the other day that the troops kept a log on you, where you spent your lunch hours, late evenings. Some place down off Broad." (Where Proboscis' secretary lived)
The color left Proboscis' face. Earl continued, "Course that's just a rumor, one I immediately discounted knowing it had to be BS. And I'm sure you've dismissed the one about me, too." Whereupon, Earl got up and left, leaving Proboscis looking like he'd just stepped barefoot into Sylvester's litter box.
Again, that choking sensation, causing me to retire to the restroom before the roaring laughter took over.
Once a complaint against Earl was filed by a woman claiming to be a spurned paramour. This foolishness was absolutely none of our business but a Lieutenant decided to investigate and because of who the Lieutenant was, Earl could be in trouble. Said Lieutenant we'll call Ed Numnutz, was a nitpicker of the worst order. Too many of his cells had been spent building his imposing body, leaving his brains account bankrupt. He did have the good sense to be born with political connections, hence his rank and comfortable position.
My desk was right outside the Lt's then and Earl walked by me on the way to his lynching. He gave me a shrug and a tight smile. Fifteen minutes later, he emerged from the office, gave me a thumbs up and a sly smile.
He was followed by Lt. Numnutz, who sat down at the chair beside my desk and shook his head, obviously distraught. "I feel like an A-hole," he said. I fought an urge to tell him I could see how that could happen, kept quiet, and listened.
"I call poor ol' Earl in there and start gettin' on him about the woman chasing thing, and he breaks down, almost in tears, and tell's me it has to be a lie because he's hot even capable of anything like that. His equipment was blown off by a hand grenade in the Korean War. I just feel so bad, embarassing the poor damn guy."
I almost strangled choking back laughter, excused myself and went into the restroom to let it out. Had it been anyone but Numnutz, they might have questioned a few inconsistencies. Aside from the fact that Earl was in the Navy, where they throw few hand grenades, his service was after Korea. Then there were his three children, of which one son could've been Earl's younger twin. And you might wonder how in hell he passed the police physical with no landing gear?
When questioned later, Earl said, "He must've heard me wrong, I'd never claim that. Only a fool would believe it." Then that smile.
He had one more in him. Another high ranking officer, Woody Proboscis, heard that Earl was a Cooter Cop. He called him in for a dressing down, or worse. This was ironic because Proboscis was a notorious midnight creeper, hammering his secretary with great regularity. I overheard this conversation so can vouch for it.
"The word's out you spend a lotta duty time chasing women," Proboscis said.
"Who would say that?" Earl asked, seemingly devastated by the accusation.
"Well, rumor," Proboscis admitted.
"Rumor? Oh, hell, then I won't worry. You hear all kinds of rumors. Why I even hear a rumor the other day that the troops kept a log on you, where you spent your lunch hours, late evenings. Some place down off Broad." (Where Proboscis' secretary lived)
The color left Proboscis' face. Earl continued, "Course that's just a rumor, one I immediately discounted knowing it had to be BS. And I'm sure you've dismissed the one about me, too." Whereupon, Earl got up and left, leaving Proboscis looking like he'd just stepped barefoot into Sylvester's litter box.
Again, that choking sensation, causing me to retire to the restroom before the roaring laughter took over.
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