She was a young, pretty Dispatcher who we'll call Hope. Catch me, molest me, hope I trip. Hope was very popular because she was a sexual liberal. A serial slut. She didn't discriminate. She wasn't particular. Short, tall, fat, skinny, young, old, Hope was ready to bump uglies with 'em.
When word of her public service finally reached the higher ups--always the last to know--the Perverted Puritan himself, Woody Proboscis, leaped into action.--probably feeling slighted because he'd missed her while carousing, himself.
Woody, at first, tried grilling likely Lotharios, none of whom had ridden in on a melon truck. No luck. In desperation he went to Hope. A pitifully inept interrogator, he talked all around the subject but couldn't get right down to it and never would've had not Hope, herself, figured out what he was fishing for. Sexual relations? Sure. With who? Have to think on that, there've been several. What's the big deal, did it off duty, used birth control pills?
It took some coaxing and a promise she wouldn't be fired, before Hope came up with a list of playmates. About twenty! And she'd only been employed by the NPD two months. When the glaze finally cleared from Woody's eyes, he realized he'd struck the mother lode. But what to do with it? He couldn't fire them all, he'd have to shut down the agency. However, if he caught one in the act and made an example of him the others would be so terrified they'd no longer stray from the righteous path. At least for a few days. So Woody told Hope to keep their conversation a secret and put his plan in action.
Of course, unlike the upper echelon, the lowliest cop knew everything that happened the instant it happened. And it didn't hurt that Hope told them everything she knew and that they should cool it for a while. This caused Woody many lonely evenings hidden in the bushes across from Hope's 10-42 (house) waiting to catch a copulating cop.
So there was a stalemate. Woody wasn't getting his example and the cops weren't getting any. Something had to give. Salvation came in the form of an officer who loved an outrageous practical joke nearly as much as he liked sex. We'll call him the Masked Man, since he was certainly that.
At the time, diminutive motorcycles were popular. An adult could ride one but it looked like a St. Bernard trying to mount an armadillo. This didn't deter the Masked Man. In fact, it enhanced the effect he was seeking. Picture Woody in the weeds, swatting mosquitoes. He hears what sounds like a lawnmower in heat screaming down the street. Then he rubs his eyes in disbelief. There's a large human being, in a gorilla mask and pork pie hat, riding a clown's motorcycle. The gorilla parks on Hope's front lawn, knocks on the door, and is welcomed inside.
From then on Woody's plan was doomed. Realizing the Masked Man obviously knew he was watching and had made a fool of him just took Woody's heart out of the work. And when he found the cops had long ago discovered his surveillance spot and were using Hope's rear door, which was in a blind spot, Woody shut down the operation.
The problem, if there was one, soon solved itself. Hope turned in her resignation stating it wasn't any fun now working for the NPD. She moved on to the Sheriff's Office known, at the time, for their liberal fun-and-games policies.
When word of her public service finally reached the higher ups--always the last to know--the Perverted Puritan himself, Woody Proboscis, leaped into action.--probably feeling slighted because he'd missed her while carousing, himself.
Woody, at first, tried grilling likely Lotharios, none of whom had ridden in on a melon truck. No luck. In desperation he went to Hope. A pitifully inept interrogator, he talked all around the subject but couldn't get right down to it and never would've had not Hope, herself, figured out what he was fishing for. Sexual relations? Sure. With who? Have to think on that, there've been several. What's the big deal, did it off duty, used birth control pills?
It took some coaxing and a promise she wouldn't be fired, before Hope came up with a list of playmates. About twenty! And she'd only been employed by the NPD two months. When the glaze finally cleared from Woody's eyes, he realized he'd struck the mother lode. But what to do with it? He couldn't fire them all, he'd have to shut down the agency. However, if he caught one in the act and made an example of him the others would be so terrified they'd no longer stray from the righteous path. At least for a few days. So Woody told Hope to keep their conversation a secret and put his plan in action.
Of course, unlike the upper echelon, the lowliest cop knew everything that happened the instant it happened. And it didn't hurt that Hope told them everything she knew and that they should cool it for a while. This caused Woody many lonely evenings hidden in the bushes across from Hope's 10-42 (house) waiting to catch a copulating cop.
So there was a stalemate. Woody wasn't getting his example and the cops weren't getting any. Something had to give. Salvation came in the form of an officer who loved an outrageous practical joke nearly as much as he liked sex. We'll call him the Masked Man, since he was certainly that.
At the time, diminutive motorcycles were popular. An adult could ride one but it looked like a St. Bernard trying to mount an armadillo. This didn't deter the Masked Man. In fact, it enhanced the effect he was seeking. Picture Woody in the weeds, swatting mosquitoes. He hears what sounds like a lawnmower in heat screaming down the street. Then he rubs his eyes in disbelief. There's a large human being, in a gorilla mask and pork pie hat, riding a clown's motorcycle. The gorilla parks on Hope's front lawn, knocks on the door, and is welcomed inside.
From then on Woody's plan was doomed. Realizing the Masked Man obviously knew he was watching and had made a fool of him just took Woody's heart out of the work. And when he found the cops had long ago discovered his surveillance spot and were using Hope's rear door, which was in a blind spot, Woody shut down the operation.
The problem, if there was one, soon solved itself. Hope turned in her resignation stating it wasn't any fun now working for the NPD. She moved on to the Sheriff's Office known, at the time, for their liberal fun-and-games policies.
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