ALWAYS WANTED TO BE AN ENGINEAR AND NOW I ARE ONE

We had a Councilman once who considered himself a traffic expert. And a law enforcement expert, once telling me that he had no actual experience but had watched every episode of Dragnet and Kojak on TV. If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'. Fact was, if you put his brain in a mosquito it'd fly upside down and backwards. 

The Honorable Numnutz had come up with a new plan to control the raging traffic problem in sleepy Naples. Make every intersection a 4-way stop. It was his most imbecilic suggestion to date. 

The City Manager sent it to me to review for the next council meeting. He told me, privately, "This is ridiculous, but it's gained favor with the council members. Sounds good and they don't want to explain why they didn't vote for it. But I'm not about to spend thousands of dollars erecting unneeded stop signs that people will want taken down in a week. See what you can come up with to dodge this absurdity."

I told him thanks a lot and broke out the safety manuals and state statutes, hoping to find salvation. And, I found it in the most unlikely place.

At the next council meeting, I gave my report. "According to traffic engineering manuals, the 4-way stop is a control option used only as a last resort. They are confusing--no one sure who goes next--and slow traffic to a crawl, infuriating motorists." 

 Numnutz roared into action. "You read traffic engineering manuals? A cop?"

"Not just a cop," I said, "I'm also the City of Naples Traffic Engineer." There was a rumble in the chambers, before Numnutz retaliated. "Ridiculous! We have a City Engineer but no Traffic Engineer."

"According to Florida Statutes you do," I said. "They read that if a city has no Traffic Engineer the Chief of Police shall inherit those additional duties." And it was true. So the proposal died on the strength of the Engineer's recommendation. Seems if someone gives you a title, you automatically become an expert. That or own a brief case, suit, and are from another town.

I acted as Traffic Engineer until the city hired one. Made many rulings that were never questioned. And never got one damn cent for holding down two jobs.