We once had a local merchant, Wilbur Whinesap, we just couldn't please. Although his business was on 5th Ave South, one of the most highly patrolled streets in the City, there were never enough patrols. Response time to his numerous, petty, complaints was never fast enough. He appeared at City Council budget hearings complaining the cops were overpaid and there were too many of them. In short, he was an Azwipe who needed an attitude adjustment.
One early April morning, about 2 AM, I was doing a plain-clothes bicycle patrol of 5th Ave So. We'd had some trouble with attempted break-ins to the rear doors of the businesses and wanted to put the turd responsible where he belonged. Under the jail.
Cruising silently down the alley behind Ingram's Hardware I noticed a rear door cracked open at a nearby business. A wedge of light was spilling out in the alley. I got off my bike, took out my revolver, and crept up to the door. I would've called in on my handheld radio for backup, but we didn't have such toys at the time.
There's an old adage: Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it. The truth of this was about to be demonstrated.
Looking through the crack in the door, I could see a seated W/M hunched over a desk. He was diligently sorting through a stack of papers. And I recognized the man. Not a hoped for burglar, but maybe better. Wilbur Whinesap.
As it turns out Wilbur was working late to beat the deadline on filing his income tax. Engrosed in his labors, he had no idea I was there. So I crept up behind him, stuck my gun in his ear, and shouted "Don't move or I'll blow your head off!"
Mr. Whinesap complied, becoming rigid as a cadaver in a crypt. Nothing moved. Except his bowels, which after a great rumble filled his drawers. I said, "Oh, Mr. Whinesap, excuse me. Saw the door cracked open and thought it was one of those burglars you're always complaining about." Then, the stench in the room unbearable, I beat a hasty and happy retreat.
Wilbur, on the other had, was evidently pleased that his wish for better police protection had come true. We never heard from him again.
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