HOMEMADE KUNG FU

Cops, as a survival mechanism, develop their own self defense moves. CH Dasher, who could destroy any aggressor with his fists, had a little trick for his light work. He'd put a .38 cartridge between the victim's index and middle fingers and squeeze them like a nutcracker. He owned you then but if you were good he'd only squeeze until you whimpered like that Senator that got caught playing footsie in the restroom.

One cop, who we'll call RD, was a fan of professional wrestling. From TV he'd picked up the sleeper hold. This is now called a Figure 4 Neck Lock. Applied correctly, the carotid arteries are compressed and the no blood goes to the brain. Soon sleepy time ensues. RD could knockout a thug faster than Hulk Hogan. The hold has since been banned because, in certain ethnic groups, the carotid is not too elastic. You clamp it shut and it doesn't flex back open when released. Then you've got a dead rowdy on your hands and lots of paperwork.

Perhaps, as some unjust Karma, RD was victim to a certain street Kung Fu move: the kick to the gonads. Another nutcracker, so to speak. Never saw a man get kicked in the sperm bank more often. And anyone who's had this happen to them knows it's just terrible. Again, unlike in the movies, it can have dire consequences. Last time I remember it happening to RD he had an extended stay in the hospital.

Course, some dudes are just so huge they don't need homemade Kung Fu. Take 6'4" 250 lbs Ed Jones. Ed arrested a coward one night who'd taken Karate lessons and was an expert at mule-kicking unsuspecting drunks in a bar. He'd done just that at The Port Hole and Ed had brought him to the station. There, Grasshopper decided he wasn't going into the cell. He struck a combative pose, gave a screech like when Granny sat on the toilet after Grandpa forgot to put the seat down, and yelled Karate! Ed looked at him, laughed, picked him up over his head and threw him like a dart into the slammer. His head hit the back wall and we weren't sure he'd ever get to be a Barroom Bruce Lee again.

So kids, this stuff can lead to early retirement. Don't try it at home. Unless you know someone who really needs a good whuppin'.

Thanks, Dave D.