YOU'RE A WHAT?

He looked like the perfect applicant. Physically fit, intelligent, and eager to be a cop. And, he'd just graduated from Florida State. But, nobody's perfect. The problem was his application. In the box where you checked off race, he'd marked American Indian. Which he obviously wasn't. I looked at the application again, then back at him and said, "Son, if you're an American Indian I'm Aunt Jemima."

Chucking at my remark--I said he was a smart lad--he said, "That's what I'm claiming and that's what counts." He went on. "I took a class in college on how to get a job and the EEOC rules are you are what you claim to be."

Doing the hiring at the SO, I was well aware of the EEOC, The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. It was a federal agency that told you how many folks you had to have of each race. We weren't under a mandate as yet as we tried as best we could, but it was a tough nut. There was just the three of us: Sarah Creamer, Dave Johnson, and me. We were trying to hire over 100 folks a year, doing all the polygraphs, background investigations, interviews, and scheduling. And we gave everyone one eligible a shot. But, it seemed the EEOC wanted us to hire people who were the right race, but otherwise unqualified. What the applicant had told us seemed to go against their intent. I told him that I was gonna make a call and I'd get back with him.

Called the office of the EEOC in Alexandria, Va. Had this conversation:

"Just had an applicant who is not an Indian but is claiming to be one for employment purposes," I said.

"Yes, and. . ."

"And is that legal?"

"Sure is. He can claim to be anything on the list. But it's only good for employment purposes. He can't claim he's an Indian and then go open up a casino. Different rules cover that."

I thanked her, hung up the phone and gave Dave Johnson, who was also keenly interested in this turn of events, a smile. "Why don't you go get Tonto," I said, "and give him a polygraph test. What he told us is the truth. And life is gonna be much easier around here."

So soon, after we'd made corrections to minor mistakes on new applications, we had guy's with names like Flynn Patrick O'Bradley who were mysteriously listed as an Eskimo. Or Denzil P. Fuddpucker claiming Pacific Islander heritage. Just for purposes of auditing, of course. And everyone was happy.

Ridiculous? Certainly. Nearly as asinine as the EEOC rules that prompted it. Your tax dollars at work.